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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Morning After

So, I'm pregnant.............
.......I'm thrilled....and scared out of my mind.

We're not telling anyone. Mostly because we want to avoid having to tell everyone about any loss that might happen. We're a little gun shy after last time. Of course, I've told twitter and anyone that reads this blog. I've also told my mom. B doesn't care if I tell a few people as long as he won't have to deal with them if a loss would occur.

I'm petrified that this pregnancy will end the same way as the last one. That was so hard. I'm still not sure I could handle another loss. I keep telling myself that I am stronger than I think. I think if I tell myself that enough, I will believe it.

The other thing that keeps passing through my head is "What have we done?" I mean, we are just starting to make payments for the medical expenses from our loss, and now we're going to add payments for our hopeful bundle of joy? B keeps reminding me how good we are with our budget and that this all fits into our budget. It just seems crazy to me, though.

Whatever crazy thoughts and feelings are going through my head, I'm trying to distract myself with crafts and trying to think positive. This pregnancy is different than the first. Statistics are on my side. In about eight months, I will get to hold an adorable baby - my adorable baby.

My adorable baby. I'm going to have a baby. OMG.

Eventually, I'll come to grips.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

2 Week Wait

Last month, B and I decided to ttc after our miscarriage in June/July/August. Last time, the 2ww was nothing. It breezed by and was ended by AF. This month......Well, that's a different story. AF was expected yesterday. I have no signs of her impending presence. So, tonight after work, I will pee on a stick. Unless she shows up at work.

I haven't really had an urge to check. Mostly because we have a house rule: No poas until the second day of a missed period. So, I pretty much expect AF to show up as scheduled. Now there's no AF. I'm not sure what to do. I want to take every pregnancy test in the drug store RIGHT NOW! I'm not sure I can wait until after work. I might be freaking pregnant right now. I don't know what to do with that information.

I'm so confused and nervous. I'm nervous that I am pregnant and that I am not pregnant. I feel like either outcome will be either a disappointment or full of anxiety. I know I will be excited to be pregnant, but I'm scared to death to be pregnant.

It probably doesn't help that my assistant keeps walking into my office with her pregnant belly hanging out of her shirt.

So, anyone want to take bets on if I poas before B gets home from work?