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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Overwhelmed

I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm finding it hard to still my mind during moments of high stress which seem to be more frequent lately (See My Post on Southern Values and My Frustration). As most of you know, we moved the weekend after we found out we had lost our little sweet pea.

Just after moving all the boxes into the new house, my boss called me to work for an emergency. The emergency resulted in the loss of an employee which meant I had to take over her case load. During all of this, I was in the process of my miscarriage. My miscarriage took 1 month and 1 week (1 month and 3 weeks if you include the time it took to get our negative pregnancy test.) culminating in a D&C. During this month-long miscarriage, I was in and out of work with a double case load. After the D&C, I had a week off to recover. When I returned to work, I had a week-long business trip.

Finally, I got back to the office. Work has piled up despite the amazing efforts put forth by my staff. As I'm working through the mountain of paperwork, my non-profit organization decides to restructure. Between Mt. Paperwork and the responsibilities being added to my position, I feel like I will never get caught up. I'm also applying to other positions. All of this uncertainty drives me crazy.

On top of our loss and work, we're still trying to unpack and organize our house. We really need to make our house into our home. Well, we also need the unpacking and organizing to get finished because we're having a surprise party for B's birthday.

I have intense moments of feeling overwhelmed and unable to get caught up. These moments are filled with anxiety almost to the point of panic attacks. I'm trying to remember to calm my breath as I know my mind will follow. I'm trying to still my mind through meditation and yoga. But nothing seems to be enough. I don't feel like I can do anything right or ever get caught up.

B continues to be amazing. He shares his pain from being surrounded by babies at our niece's birthday party, hugs me, holds me, and makes me laugh. He keeps encouraging me and tries to keep my spirits up. He keeps reminding me of my goals (running, crafting, etc.) and my mantras ("My actions are not determined by the actions of others." "This too shall pass.").

I feel like getting work caught up will help ease some of my anxiety. I'm trying to focus my thoughts on positives. I'm trying to think that I can get caught up. I'm planning extra work time and using my time management skills. I'm not sure it will be enough......

.....I'm hoping it's enough. It's all I've got right now.

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