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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

We use to be in sync. We accomplished a lot together. Working together with you to stick a new dismount or throwing a back tuck for the first time gave me such a sense of pride. Stringing together new routines and realizing that everyone can't land an aerial always made me feel as though my mind and body were in perfect harmony.

Growing up meant giving up gymnastics. But I was able to hold onto that harmony by teaching, staying flexible, and taking up yoga.

Then, this happened. For the first time in my life, I'm blaming you. I'm wishing for a different body. One that isn't dumb enough to miss the fact that my growing baby died. One that still didn't catch on after taking medicine to fix your mistake (Medicine that is 94-98% effective, btw.) One that doesn't force invasive surgery to fix your mistake.

My brain and heart have been trying to mourn the loss of our sweet pea and you refuse to let that happen. How am I suppose to reconnect with you? How will we ever get that harmony back? How will I ever trust you with another baby? Especially now when you've made all of this even more difficult than it needed to be?

I've started running. I know how much you hate that. It's like a penance of sorts. Maybe if we can come together to run a 5k, maybe I'll be able to forgive you. Maybe if we master the crow pose, I'll be able to forgive you.

I don't blame you for not caring for our sweet pea. I blame you for not letting go. I blame you for not moving on. I blame you for holding me back.

Maybe because of this blame, I haven't been as good to you as I should have. I admit that I delayed returning to yoga because I didn't want to face you. But I did return. Now I am trying to be good to you. I am trying to reconnect with you. I am trying to love you. I am trying.

Can you please try? I really need you to be back on my team by our follow up visit. I need you to know that we aren't pregnant. I need for this week of pampering you to pay off. I need for us to begin looking to the future and working together.

We need this. Won't you help me?

Trying to save us,

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