On Tuesday, June 28th, we went into the midwife's office for a prenatal visit expecting to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. The midwife couldn't find it so she got us into see the ultrasound tech. She could find it and looked for it transvaginally. She tried to reassure me that maybe my dates were just a little off. It may have reassured my husband, but I knew my dates weren't off. Finally, she said, I can't find a heartbeat.
Our midwife told us our options and we made a plan to return the next week. She told us that the good news is that we were able to get pregnant and that 95% of pregnancies after a miscarriage are successful. That was very hollow hope at the time.
The next day I called the midwife's office. I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me for a whole week. I went in the next day for citotec. That night, there was some bleeding and one large clot/tissue, but it was nothing like I expected. At my follow up appointment, the midwife told me that was okay and within the normal range.
I continued an odd schedule of bleeding, spotting, and no bleeding. Sometimes I had cramps; sometimes I did not. A week later I passed an even larger clot/tissue. I called the midwife. The nurse told me it was nothing to worry about and to discuss it at my follow up appointment (4 days later).
At the follow up appointment, my pregnancy test was positive. Maybe my body needed a little more time. So, we waited two more weeks. Then I asked for anti-anxiety medicine because I simply couldn't handle all the uncertainty. (Mind you, we moved into a larger home so the baby would have a proper nursery and work was extremely stressful during this time.) Instead they tried to give me more certainty. They scheduled an ultrasound and doctor's appointment the next day.
The ultrasound showed that quite a bit of tissue remained. The doctor said I needed a d&c. They scheduled two days later.
Yesterday was my d&c. It hasn't been too bad. Uneventful is a good word for it. Getting the iv in was probably the worst part. I'm really awful with needles, and they jabbed me multiple times trying to get one iv.
Emotionally, I don't really feel any different. Our little sweet pea hasn't been with us for over a month now. I don't really feel like the procedure had anything to do with the baby. I feel like it was about getting my body on the same page.
After my second pregnancy test (5 weeks out), my bff said, "Geez, grl, I know you're stubborn but this is ridiculous."
At least now, assuming everything went to plan (unlike before), the physical part is over. The emotional part, well, I'm sure I'll have moments but at least I feel like I can get past all of this.
We're ready to put this chapter behind us. We're ready to enjoy our house. We're ready to move on. We're ready to begin thinking about trying again and our future. We're ready to not be somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage.
Plus, in 2 weeks, I might get the okay to be a little naughty with my husband. (TMI, but it's been entirely TOO long.) It's a new meaning to the 2ww, huh? Good (Strike that.) Great things are in store for us.