So, I refused to log in to fb for several weeks after my miscarriage. One evening, I was stressed after work and decided to log in for a break. I found a message from a friend apologizing for a morning sickness joke she made when I had posted that I wasn't feeling well. It was morning sickness, but she didn't know. Her husband knew. He scolded her and told her she was letting the cat out of the bag. She told him she didn't know.
After telling me this story and apologizing for spilling the beans, she congratulated me. I started bawling instantly. I had to send her a message and tell her we had lost the baby. She was only the third person I told. My mom and one of my friends spread the word so I didn't have to tell anyone.
Then, my uncle was ill and needed surgery. My family uses fb as a live-health-watch-blog. So, I posted updates. I decided that my profile page, friend requests, and messages were safe. Well, I was wrong.
I posted, "Cheese and rice! Tomorrow's going to suck." referring to my scheduled d&c (without mentioning it, of course). A friend posted, "Add some chicken and it might not be too bad." A friend with a brand-new baby. I wanted to scream, "Really? It wouldn't be too bad if your baby had stopped growing inside of you, your body missed it, you took medicine to avoid a d&c, somehow you fell into the 2-4% chance of the medicine not working and you had to have a d&c? Really? Not TOO BAD?!?"
Of course, she has no idea, so she gets a pass. But I still wanted to scream. A few days ago, she posted an album of her teeny, tiny baby wearing several hats that I made for her baby shower and tagged me. She still doesn't know, but that was a serious punch in the uterus.
Today, I realized that friend requests aren't safe when I was asked to friend XXXXX Kidd (The Xs is my friends' last name.). Not only did I think I should be posting ultrasound photos. I also thought how amazing it would have been for our kids to be the same age which is sort of ridiculous because 1) we aren't really that close anymore and 2) we don't live near each other. But it still hurt.
I posted something about my new fb plan including ignoring friend requests. She posted, "You have to accept XXXXXX Kidd. That's my &X's baby." Screw your unborn baby is too harsh, right? Of course it is, and I absolutely don't mean it.
I'm not very good at verbalizing my actual emotions sometimes. My pain comes out as anger. I think anger because I'm hurt.
Of course, my mom made me feel guilty that I might have unintentionally hurt their feelings. What about my feelings? They unintentionally hurt my feelings. At least they'll get a baby out of it.
I'm thinking about posting a note just laying out all of my drama (baby, work, family health issues, and our recent move). I'm usually a private person and don't like to share, but I just need a break. And, I kind of hate the universe which is making me snarky. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think I have to look after me right now. Right?