this blog is honest and uncensored. if you know me in real life, please don't out me to anyone else. and please, feel free not to tell me you are reading this!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Twitter May Have Saved My Life

Crazy, huh? Well, it's not much of an exaggeration. Not only did twitter connect me to some amazing women who tweeted me through the miscarriage and surgery, but it also connected me with an attorney that ended up needing help on an amazing case. Working on this case put me back in my element. I focused on work and someone else's life. I felt great - emotionally and physically.

Not only did this happen during a time where I needed to get over my health, but also at a time where I was considering some career moves. Now, my career path is pretty clear. I feel like the decision made itself.

Most of all, I feel like my "normal" self again. I don't feel sad and hurt. I just feel "normal." I'm excited about work again and planning things for our new house.

I don't think I'm ready to add XXXXXX Kidd on facebook, yet, but I am feeling more like me and less like a grl that just had a missed miscarriage and the longest July ever. Who knows what emotional roller coasters I may be on this week, but for now, to quote the Beatles, I feel fine.

Thanks, twitter and tweeps!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Effing Facebook Makes Me Snarky

So, I refused to log in to fb for several weeks after my miscarriage. One evening, I was stressed after work and decided to log in for a break. I found a message from a friend apologizing for a morning sickness joke she made when I had posted that I wasn't feeling well. It was morning sickness, but she didn't know. Her husband knew. He scolded her and told her she was letting the cat out of the bag. She told him she didn't know.

After telling me this story and apologizing for spilling the beans, she congratulated me. I started bawling instantly. I had to send her a message and tell her we had lost the baby. She was only the third person I told. My mom and one of my friends spread the word so I didn't have to tell anyone.

Then, my uncle was ill and needed surgery. My family uses fb as a live-health-watch-blog. So, I posted updates. I decided that my profile page, friend requests, and messages were safe. Well, I was wrong.

I posted, "Cheese and rice! Tomorrow's going to suck." referring to my scheduled d&c (without mentioning it, of course). A friend posted, "Add some chicken and it might not be too bad." A friend with a brand-new baby. I wanted to scream, "Really? It wouldn't be too bad if your baby had stopped growing inside of you, your body missed it, you took medicine to avoid a d&c, somehow you fell into the 2-4% chance of the medicine not working and you had to have a d&c? Really? Not TOO BAD?!?"

Of course, she has no idea, so she gets a pass. But I still wanted to scream. A few days ago, she posted an album of her teeny, tiny baby wearing several hats that I made for her baby shower and tagged me. She still doesn't know, but that was a serious punch in the uterus.

Today, I realized that friend requests aren't safe when I was asked to friend XXXXX Kidd (The Xs is my friends' last name.). Not only did I think I should be posting ultrasound photos. I also thought how amazing it would have been for our kids to be the same age which is sort of ridiculous because 1) we aren't really that close anymore and 2) we don't live near each other. But it still hurt.

I posted something about my new fb plan including ignoring friend requests. She posted, "You have to accept XXXXXX Kidd. That's my &X's baby." Screw your unborn baby is too harsh, right? Of course it is, and I absolutely don't mean it.

I'm not very good at verbalizing my actual emotions sometimes. My pain comes out as anger. I think anger because I'm hurt.

Of course, my mom made me feel guilty that I might have unintentionally hurt their feelings. What about my feelings? They unintentionally hurt my feelings. At least they'll get a baby out of it.

I'm thinking about posting a note just laying out all of my drama (baby, work, family health issues, and our recent move). I'm usually a private person and don't like to share, but I just need a break. And, I kind of hate the universe which is making me snarky. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think I have to look after me right now. Right?

Friday, August 12, 2011

How Grl Got Her Crafty Back

Well, "got" may not be the right word. YET. I have a plan to get it back. I'm planning to get my crafty back by being crafty.

I'm joining another blog (Be Crafty Club), and I'm making this today. TODAY. No excuses.  In the craziness of our move, I haven't found my little soap scrubby, so I need it. And I need to complete something.

I've also been inspired by this new blog, Cute Little Crafts, where Karla creates something cute everyday (I just have to avoid her so-cute-they-bring-me-to-tears baby hats and booties.).

I'm planning to do two crafts a week. One from Be Crafty Club and a crochet project. Eventually, I'll be back to my bigger crochet projects (I'm planning a few snuggies for Christmas, and I have an amazing scarf/wrap pattern for once I learn to knit.) and my goal will change. But for now, I'm going to crank out some small projects.

I'm still steering clear of baby projects. I hope my friends on Etsy and in real life will forgive me.

P.S. If you're interested in my Etsy life, send me a message, and I'll share with you (only if you promise not to out me).

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

We use to be in sync. We accomplished a lot together. Working together with you to stick a new dismount or throwing a back tuck for the first time gave me such a sense of pride. Stringing together new routines and realizing that everyone can't land an aerial always made me feel as though my mind and body were in perfect harmony.

Growing up meant giving up gymnastics. But I was able to hold onto that harmony by teaching, staying flexible, and taking up yoga.

Then, this happened. For the first time in my life, I'm blaming you. I'm wishing for a different body. One that isn't dumb enough to miss the fact that my growing baby died. One that still didn't catch on after taking medicine to fix your mistake (Medicine that is 94-98% effective, btw.) One that doesn't force invasive surgery to fix your mistake.

My brain and heart have been trying to mourn the loss of our sweet pea and you refuse to let that happen. How am I suppose to reconnect with you? How will we ever get that harmony back? How will I ever trust you with another baby? Especially now when you've made all of this even more difficult than it needed to be?

I've started running. I know how much you hate that. It's like a penance of sorts. Maybe if we can come together to run a 5k, maybe I'll be able to forgive you. Maybe if we master the crow pose, I'll be able to forgive you.

I don't blame you for not caring for our sweet pea. I blame you for not letting go. I blame you for not moving on. I blame you for holding me back.

Maybe because of this blame, I haven't been as good to you as I should have. I admit that I delayed returning to yoga because I didn't want to face you. But I did return. Now I am trying to be good to you. I am trying to reconnect with you. I am trying to love you. I am trying.

Can you please try? I really need you to be back on my team by our follow up visit. I need you to know that we aren't pregnant. I need for this week of pampering you to pay off. I need for us to begin looking to the future and working together.

We need this. Won't you help me?

Trying to save us,

Wordless Wednesday - My View From the Couch

Monday, August 8, 2011

The House <Follow Up Post>

DH just saw this teeny, tiny frog belly on our kitchen window! Just after I posted about trying to stay positive and focusing on the things I love about our house (one of which is being surrounded by nature), dh finds this. I can't believe it. I needed that little nudge.

Our House

I love our new house. We have so much space and natural light. The kidimals love being able to see outdoors and all the nature surrounding us.

I hate our new house. We moved here and accepted higher rent so our sweet pea would have his/her own room. Now there's just a room on the right.

Everyone wants to see the new house. Everyone thinks we should be all settled. There's so much mess and clutter. We need new various pieces of furniture. We have old pieces of furniture that need new purposes. We have furniture that doesn't fit our room.

Everyone wants to help. There's no work that doesn't require me to help. I don't want to do anything for the house that I love/hate right now.

I want to grieve and heal from losing our sweet pea. I want to get work under control again. I want to get back into my routine. I want to focus on the positives in my life.

I love our new house. We have so much space and natural light. The kidimals love being able to see outdoors and all the nature surrounding us.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The End (We Hope)

On Tuesday, June 28th, we went into the midwife's office for a prenatal visit expecting to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. The midwife couldn't find it so she got us into see the ultrasound tech. She could find it and looked for it transvaginally. She tried to reassure me that maybe my dates were just a little off. It may have reassured my husband, but I knew my dates weren't off. Finally, she said, I can't find a heartbeat.

Our midwife told us our options and we made a plan to return the next week. She told us that the good news is that we were able to get pregnant and that 95% of pregnancies after a miscarriage are successful. That was very hollow hope at the time.

The next day I called the midwife's office. I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me for a whole week. I went in the next day for citotec. That night, there was some bleeding and one large clot/tissue, but it was nothing like I expected. At my follow up appointment, the midwife told me that was okay and within the normal range.

I continued an odd schedule of bleeding, spotting, and no bleeding. Sometimes I had cramps; sometimes I did not. A week later I passed an even larger clot/tissue. I called the midwife. The nurse told me it was nothing to worry about and to discuss it at my follow up appointment (4 days later).

At the follow up appointment, my pregnancy test was positive. Maybe my body needed a little more time. So, we waited two more weeks. Then I asked for anti-anxiety medicine because I simply couldn't handle all the uncertainty. (Mind you, we moved into a larger home so the baby would have a proper nursery and work was extremely stressful during this time.) Instead they tried to give me more certainty. They scheduled an ultrasound and doctor's appointment the next day.

The ultrasound showed that quite a bit of tissue remained. The doctor said I needed a d&c. They scheduled two days later.

Yesterday was my d&c. It hasn't been too bad. Uneventful is a good word for it. Getting the iv in was probably the worst part. I'm really awful with needles, and they jabbed me multiple times trying to get one iv.

Emotionally, I don't really feel any different. Our little sweet pea hasn't been with us for over a month now. I don't really feel like the procedure had anything to do with the baby. I feel like it was about getting my body on the same page.

After my second pregnancy test (5 weeks out), my bff said, "Geez, grl, I know you're stubborn but this is ridiculous."

At least now, assuming everything went to plan (unlike before), the physical part is over. The emotional part, well, I'm sure I'll have moments but at least I feel like I can get past all of this.

We're ready to put this chapter behind us. We're ready to enjoy our house. We're ready to move on. We're ready to begin thinking about trying again and our future. We're ready to not be somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage.

Plus, in 2 weeks, I might get the okay to be a little naughty with my husband. (TMI, but it's been entirely TOO long.) It's a new meaning to the 2ww, huh? Good (Strike that.) Great things are in store for us.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

When You Cry in Downward-Facing Dog Tears Stream UP your Face

Yesterday was my first time back at yoga since learning that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. I had been afraid to go back. Afraid that I would cry during class.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I was blaming my body for the miscarriage. I didn't want to be inside my body anymore.

Yoga is about being present in the moment and in your body. My favorite instructor urges her class to listen to our bodies. This is something I really didn't want to do.

Turns out, I did cry. I realized it was okay. No one stared at me or whispered. My instructor paid a little extra attention to me giving small massages to my back when I would take a break (I warned her before class.), but didn't 'make a scene'.

I also learned that this wasn't my body's fault. I felt re-connected and present for maybe the first time since June. Unfortunately, that peace was short-lived but that's another post.