this blog is honest and uncensored. if you know me in real life, please don't out me to anyone else. and please, feel free not to tell me you are reading this!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Work is Messing With Me

I work for a non-profit and have private clients. The monthly salary of the non-profit covers all of our bills. It's a decent gig when they aren't jerking me around.

Currently, they only jerk me around. B mostly wants me to suck it up to make sure we get some of the hospital bills taken care of. So a few more months.

At this point, a few more months seems like an eternity. They want me to sign a contract that they gave me an hour before they wanted it signed. I've been trying to negotiate it with them for two months now. They've met with me once. And at that meeting, they didn't even discuss the contract. Instead, they ambushed me with vague statements regarding client and staff complaints.  I can't address then because I have no idea what the complaints are our who has made them. This is both extremely inappropriate and unprofessional.

In addition, they've set deadlines for a contract to get into place. Then days before the last deadline, they extended it.  I'm currently three days away from the next deadline.

After the last attack, er meeting,  I decided to leave. Now they are asking me to come discuss the contract tomorrow. They also want me to prepare reports for them regarding my number of hours and all complaints and how they were resolved. They just told me this before I started writing today. Our meeting is tomorrow.

The other thing to keep in mind is that complaints happen all the time due to the nature of my work. I'm not working with happy people. But there are no formal complaints.  It's just people blowing off steam do it's not like we keep a list of these "complaints" anywhere. I'm absolutely not going to go through every note in every file to find these venting sessions. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do with that....

So, I keep finding myself in this position where I may not have a job in three days which is very stressful. The only way to stop it is to leave. But then, we don't have any guaranteed money. So, I'm stuck taking it. I'm trying to think of another way to make this stop. Any suggestions?

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Keeping It Together and Resources

As you can probably imagine, I'm super nervous about our new baby. This is my scary week. This is the week that our last little one stopped growing. It'll still be several weeks before I am more pregnant than I have ever been (That'll happen at 12 weeks even though my miscarriage lasted over a full month after that. 12 weeks is when we discovered our loss. So that's my milestone.). Thursday, we get to hear the heartbeat via ultrasound. Thursday is our next milestone.

So, today, I've been worried. Honestly, I've been worried since the plus sign appeared on the pregnancy test. But today more so than others. Partly because I've been lazy and on the couch almost all day today since it's the weekend and my morning sickness is in full swing.

As a proactive measure, I've been researching subsequent pregnancy after a loss support groups. I've found a few that I'll call and check on tomorrow.

But the most exciting find? Bristol Beats. A couple that experienced a stillbirth at 5 months and then a successful pregnancy now "rents" (for free) doplers for parents that had a previous loss. I will be talking to my midwife about this. I can't imagine being able to hear my baby's heartbeat any time I need some assurance.

What a nice way to remember your daughter and help others. Not only does this seem helpful for me, but it inspired me. I think we might volunteer in memory of our little one and maybe host a fundraiser for Bristol Beats.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Morning After

So, I'm pregnant.............
.......I'm thrilled....and scared out of my mind.

We're not telling anyone. Mostly because we want to avoid having to tell everyone about any loss that might happen. We're a little gun shy after last time. Of course, I've told twitter and anyone that reads this blog. I've also told my mom. B doesn't care if I tell a few people as long as he won't have to deal with them if a loss would occur.

I'm petrified that this pregnancy will end the same way as the last one. That was so hard. I'm still not sure I could handle another loss. I keep telling myself that I am stronger than I think. I think if I tell myself that enough, I will believe it.

The other thing that keeps passing through my head is "What have we done?" I mean, we are just starting to make payments for the medical expenses from our loss, and now we're going to add payments for our hopeful bundle of joy? B keeps reminding me how good we are with our budget and that this all fits into our budget. It just seems crazy to me, though.

Whatever crazy thoughts and feelings are going through my head, I'm trying to distract myself with crafts and trying to think positive. This pregnancy is different than the first. Statistics are on my side. In about eight months, I will get to hold an adorable baby - my adorable baby.

My adorable baby. I'm going to have a baby. OMG.

Eventually, I'll come to grips.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

2 Week Wait

Last month, B and I decided to ttc after our miscarriage in June/July/August. Last time, the 2ww was nothing. It breezed by and was ended by AF. This month......Well, that's a different story. AF was expected yesterday. I have no signs of her impending presence. So, tonight after work, I will pee on a stick. Unless she shows up at work.

I haven't really had an urge to check. Mostly because we have a house rule: No poas until the second day of a missed period. So, I pretty much expect AF to show up as scheduled. Now there's no AF. I'm not sure what to do. I want to take every pregnancy test in the drug store RIGHT NOW! I'm not sure I can wait until after work. I might be freaking pregnant right now. I don't know what to do with that information.

I'm so confused and nervous. I'm nervous that I am pregnant and that I am not pregnant. I feel like either outcome will be either a disappointment or full of anxiety. I know I will be excited to be pregnant, but I'm scared to death to be pregnant.

It probably doesn't help that my assistant keeps walking into my office with her pregnant belly hanging out of her shirt.

So, anyone want to take bets on if I poas before B gets home from work?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Overwhelmed

I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm finding it hard to still my mind during moments of high stress which seem to be more frequent lately (See My Post on Southern Values and My Frustration). As most of you know, we moved the weekend after we found out we had lost our little sweet pea.

Just after moving all the boxes into the new house, my boss called me to work for an emergency. The emergency resulted in the loss of an employee which meant I had to take over her case load. During all of this, I was in the process of my miscarriage. My miscarriage took 1 month and 1 week (1 month and 3 weeks if you include the time it took to get our negative pregnancy test.) culminating in a D&C. During this month-long miscarriage, I was in and out of work with a double case load. After the D&C, I had a week off to recover. When I returned to work, I had a week-long business trip.

Finally, I got back to the office. Work has piled up despite the amazing efforts put forth by my staff. As I'm working through the mountain of paperwork, my non-profit organization decides to restructure. Between Mt. Paperwork and the responsibilities being added to my position, I feel like I will never get caught up. I'm also applying to other positions. All of this uncertainty drives me crazy.

On top of our loss and work, we're still trying to unpack and organize our house. We really need to make our house into our home. Well, we also need the unpacking and organizing to get finished because we're having a surprise party for B's birthday.

I have intense moments of feeling overwhelmed and unable to get caught up. These moments are filled with anxiety almost to the point of panic attacks. I'm trying to remember to calm my breath as I know my mind will follow. I'm trying to still my mind through meditation and yoga. But nothing seems to be enough. I don't feel like I can do anything right or ever get caught up.

B continues to be amazing. He shares his pain from being surrounded by babies at our niece's birthday party, hugs me, holds me, and makes me laugh. He keeps encouraging me and tries to keep my spirits up. He keeps reminding me of my goals (running, crafting, etc.) and my mantras ("My actions are not determined by the actions of others." "This too shall pass.").

I feel like getting work caught up will help ease some of my anxiety. I'm trying to focus my thoughts on positives. I'm trying to think that I can get caught up. I'm planning extra work time and using my time management skills. I'm not sure it will be enough......

.....I'm hoping it's enough. It's all I've got right now.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Southern Family Values

On Friday, I was having a chat with my mom. I do this very frequently. She again mentioned that she was shocked at how rude I was to my mother-in-law a few months ago. This was very upsetting to me. I not only feel like I'm doing the best I can regarding my emotions, but also I've grown very impatient (almost intolerant) of everyone else's lack of consideration. I realized that I've found myself thinking that if someone isn't considerate to me, it's probably okay if I make them feel awkward or am less than considerate to them.

The problem with this isn't that my mom is upset by it. It's that I'm upset that I have started feeling this way. If everyone believes they have the right to be inconsiderate just because someone else wasn't nice to them, the whole world will be inconsiderate with no hope. Also, I started sounding like a spoiled brat with an entitlement complex. These realizations of course, took almost all weekend for me to grasp (with help from B, of course). We agree that my impatience is understandable, but it's also something I need to work on. Besides, I'm sure everyone has good intentions even if they are misguided.

I was raised to be a sweet, charming, southern lady. Well, my sweet and charming has been noticeably missing the last few months. It's time for me to get back to the basics and practice my good ole southern family values.

In an effort to do this, my mantra has become:  My actions are not determined by the actions of others.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Anonymity

So, I'm a pretty private person. I realize this blog and twitter puts it all out there, but I don't know y'all and you don't know me. Except in this way. These have been places where I feel comfortable sharing the things I don't tell my friends or my mom.

Now I realize that I may have outted myself (Thanks, Bessie. It's not your fault. I am thankful!). My twitter app allows me to post to multiple accounts. When I post a picture, it saves the picture under the last account I had open. So, if someone where to click on a picture (which has now been deleted), they would see it on grl414. Which would lead them here.

Yikes! My friends, family, colleagues, and clients could find my private thoughts.

I put twitter on lock down. It's private now. But this isn't. So, what's the point in twitter being private?

If someone found me, it's done. If not, then they can't now. So finally, I'm thinking that I will just be very diligent in not posting from grl when I should be posting work stuff.

I like having these open forums. I like to think that my pain might help someone else. I know this isn't just wishful thinking because others' pain has helped me.

I'm still considering outting myself on fb. I just think if one of my friends is going through this, I want to be there for them. (My fb is only my friends.)

Any thoughts? On anything, really.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Wordless Wednesday & Thankful Thursday

I can't believe I forgot to post this yesterday! Regardless, here ya go!

I'm thankful for air conditioning. During the last heat wave, my car's ac broke. It's probably not getting fixed.

Just as I was thinking at least summer is over so I can easily make it through until next summer, another heat wave strikes. And, the ac in my office breaks.

Apparently, I'm kryptonite for air conditioners. But I'm thankful the air conditioner at home is working. :)


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Twitter May Have Saved My Life

Crazy, huh? Well, it's not much of an exaggeration. Not only did twitter connect me to some amazing women who tweeted me through the miscarriage and surgery, but it also connected me with an attorney that ended up needing help on an amazing case. Working on this case put me back in my element. I focused on work and someone else's life. I felt great - emotionally and physically.

Not only did this happen during a time where I needed to get over my health, but also at a time where I was considering some career moves. Now, my career path is pretty clear. I feel like the decision made itself.

Most of all, I feel like my "normal" self again. I don't feel sad and hurt. I just feel "normal." I'm excited about work again and planning things for our new house.

I don't think I'm ready to add XXXXXX Kidd on facebook, yet, but I am feeling more like me and less like a grl that just had a missed miscarriage and the longest July ever. Who knows what emotional roller coasters I may be on this week, but for now, to quote the Beatles, I feel fine.

Thanks, twitter and tweeps!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Effing Facebook Makes Me Snarky

So, I refused to log in to fb for several weeks after my miscarriage. One evening, I was stressed after work and decided to log in for a break. I found a message from a friend apologizing for a morning sickness joke she made when I had posted that I wasn't feeling well. It was morning sickness, but she didn't know. Her husband knew. He scolded her and told her she was letting the cat out of the bag. She told him she didn't know.

After telling me this story and apologizing for spilling the beans, she congratulated me. I started bawling instantly. I had to send her a message and tell her we had lost the baby. She was only the third person I told. My mom and one of my friends spread the word so I didn't have to tell anyone.

Then, my uncle was ill and needed surgery. My family uses fb as a live-health-watch-blog. So, I posted updates. I decided that my profile page, friend requests, and messages were safe. Well, I was wrong.

I posted, "Cheese and rice! Tomorrow's going to suck." referring to my scheduled d&c (without mentioning it, of course). A friend posted, "Add some chicken and it might not be too bad." A friend with a brand-new baby. I wanted to scream, "Really? It wouldn't be too bad if your baby had stopped growing inside of you, your body missed it, you took medicine to avoid a d&c, somehow you fell into the 2-4% chance of the medicine not working and you had to have a d&c? Really? Not TOO BAD?!?"

Of course, she has no idea, so she gets a pass. But I still wanted to scream. A few days ago, she posted an album of her teeny, tiny baby wearing several hats that I made for her baby shower and tagged me. She still doesn't know, but that was a serious punch in the uterus.

Today, I realized that friend requests aren't safe when I was asked to friend XXXXX Kidd (The Xs is my friends' last name.). Not only did I think I should be posting ultrasound photos. I also thought how amazing it would have been for our kids to be the same age which is sort of ridiculous because 1) we aren't really that close anymore and 2) we don't live near each other. But it still hurt.

I posted something about my new fb plan including ignoring friend requests. She posted, "You have to accept XXXXXX Kidd. That's my &X's baby." Screw your unborn baby is too harsh, right? Of course it is, and I absolutely don't mean it.

I'm not very good at verbalizing my actual emotions sometimes. My pain comes out as anger. I think anger because I'm hurt.

Of course, my mom made me feel guilty that I might have unintentionally hurt their feelings. What about my feelings? They unintentionally hurt my feelings. At least they'll get a baby out of it.

I'm thinking about posting a note just laying out all of my drama (baby, work, family health issues, and our recent move). I'm usually a private person and don't like to share, but I just need a break. And, I kind of hate the universe which is making me snarky. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think I have to look after me right now. Right?

Friday, August 12, 2011

How Grl Got Her Crafty Back

Well, "got" may not be the right word. YET. I have a plan to get it back. I'm planning to get my crafty back by being crafty.

I'm joining another blog (Be Crafty Club), and I'm making this today. TODAY. No excuses.  In the craziness of our move, I haven't found my little soap scrubby, so I need it. And I need to complete something.

I've also been inspired by this new blog, Cute Little Crafts, where Karla creates something cute everyday (I just have to avoid her so-cute-they-bring-me-to-tears baby hats and booties.).

I'm planning to do two crafts a week. One from Be Crafty Club and a crochet project. Eventually, I'll be back to my bigger crochet projects (I'm planning a few snuggies for Christmas, and I have an amazing scarf/wrap pattern for once I learn to knit.) and my goal will change. But for now, I'm going to crank out some small projects.

I'm still steering clear of baby projects. I hope my friends on Etsy and in real life will forgive me.

P.S. If you're interested in my Etsy life, send me a message, and I'll share with you (only if you promise not to out me).

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

We use to be in sync. We accomplished a lot together. Working together with you to stick a new dismount or throwing a back tuck for the first time gave me such a sense of pride. Stringing together new routines and realizing that everyone can't land an aerial always made me feel as though my mind and body were in perfect harmony.

Growing up meant giving up gymnastics. But I was able to hold onto that harmony by teaching, staying flexible, and taking up yoga.

Then, this happened. For the first time in my life, I'm blaming you. I'm wishing for a different body. One that isn't dumb enough to miss the fact that my growing baby died. One that still didn't catch on after taking medicine to fix your mistake (Medicine that is 94-98% effective, btw.) One that doesn't force invasive surgery to fix your mistake.

My brain and heart have been trying to mourn the loss of our sweet pea and you refuse to let that happen. How am I suppose to reconnect with you? How will we ever get that harmony back? How will I ever trust you with another baby? Especially now when you've made all of this even more difficult than it needed to be?

I've started running. I know how much you hate that. It's like a penance of sorts. Maybe if we can come together to run a 5k, maybe I'll be able to forgive you. Maybe if we master the crow pose, I'll be able to forgive you.

I don't blame you for not caring for our sweet pea. I blame you for not letting go. I blame you for not moving on. I blame you for holding me back.

Maybe because of this blame, I haven't been as good to you as I should have. I admit that I delayed returning to yoga because I didn't want to face you. But I did return. Now I am trying to be good to you. I am trying to reconnect with you. I am trying to love you. I am trying.

Can you please try? I really need you to be back on my team by our follow up visit. I need you to know that we aren't pregnant. I need for this week of pampering you to pay off. I need for us to begin looking to the future and working together.

We need this. Won't you help me?

Trying to save us,
grl

Wordless Wednesday - My View From the Couch


Monday, August 8, 2011

The House <Follow Up Post>

DH just saw this teeny, tiny frog belly on our kitchen window! Just after I posted about trying to stay positive and focusing on the things I love about our house (one of which is being surrounded by nature), dh finds this. I can't believe it. I needed that little nudge.


Our House

I love our new house. We have so much space and natural light. The kidimals love being able to see outdoors and all the nature surrounding us.

I hate our new house. We moved here and accepted higher rent so our sweet pea would have his/her own room. Now there's just a room on the right.

Everyone wants to see the new house. Everyone thinks we should be all settled. There's so much mess and clutter. We need new various pieces of furniture. We have old pieces of furniture that need new purposes. We have furniture that doesn't fit our room.

Everyone wants to help. There's no work that doesn't require me to help. I don't want to do anything for the house that I love/hate right now.

I want to grieve and heal from losing our sweet pea. I want to get work under control again. I want to get back into my routine. I want to focus on the positives in my life.

I love our new house. We have so much space and natural light. The kidimals love being able to see outdoors and all the nature surrounding us.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The End (We Hope)

On Tuesday, June 28th, we went into the midwife's office for a prenatal visit expecting to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. The midwife couldn't find it so she got us into see the ultrasound tech. She could find it and looked for it transvaginally. She tried to reassure me that maybe my dates were just a little off. It may have reassured my husband, but I knew my dates weren't off. Finally, she said, I can't find a heartbeat.

Our midwife told us our options and we made a plan to return the next week. She told us that the good news is that we were able to get pregnant and that 95% of pregnancies after a miscarriage are successful. That was very hollow hope at the time.

The next day I called the midwife's office. I couldn't walk around with a dead baby inside of me for a whole week. I went in the next day for citotec. That night, there was some bleeding and one large clot/tissue, but it was nothing like I expected. At my follow up appointment, the midwife told me that was okay and within the normal range.

I continued an odd schedule of bleeding, spotting, and no bleeding. Sometimes I had cramps; sometimes I did not. A week later I passed an even larger clot/tissue. I called the midwife. The nurse told me it was nothing to worry about and to discuss it at my follow up appointment (4 days later).

At the follow up appointment, my pregnancy test was positive. Maybe my body needed a little more time. So, we waited two more weeks. Then I asked for anti-anxiety medicine because I simply couldn't handle all the uncertainty. (Mind you, we moved into a larger home so the baby would have a proper nursery and work was extremely stressful during this time.) Instead they tried to give me more certainty. They scheduled an ultrasound and doctor's appointment the next day.

The ultrasound showed that quite a bit of tissue remained. The doctor said I needed a d&c. They scheduled two days later.

Yesterday was my d&c. It hasn't been too bad. Uneventful is a good word for it. Getting the iv in was probably the worst part. I'm really awful with needles, and they jabbed me multiple times trying to get one iv.

Emotionally, I don't really feel any different. Our little sweet pea hasn't been with us for over a month now. I don't really feel like the procedure had anything to do with the baby. I feel like it was about getting my body on the same page.

After my second pregnancy test (5 weeks out), my bff said, "Geez, grl, I know you're stubborn but this is ridiculous."

At least now, assuming everything went to plan (unlike before), the physical part is over. The emotional part, well, I'm sure I'll have moments but at least I feel like I can get past all of this.

We're ready to put this chapter behind us. We're ready to enjoy our house. We're ready to move on. We're ready to begin thinking about trying again and our future. We're ready to not be somewhere in the middle of a miscarriage.

Plus, in 2 weeks, I might get the okay to be a little naughty with my husband. (TMI, but it's been entirely TOO long.) It's a new meaning to the 2ww, huh? Good (Strike that.) Great things are in store for us.



Tuesday, August 2, 2011

When You Cry in Downward-Facing Dog Tears Stream UP your Face

Yesterday was my first time back at yoga since learning that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. I had been afraid to go back. Afraid that I would cry during class.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I was blaming my body for the miscarriage. I didn't want to be inside my body anymore.

Yoga is about being present in the moment and in your body. My favorite instructor urges her class to listen to our bodies. This is something I really didn't want to do.

Turns out, I did cry. I realized it was okay. No one stared at me or whispered. My instructor paid a little extra attention to me giving small massages to my back when I would take a break (I warned her before class.), but didn't 'make a scene'.

I also learned that this wasn't my body's fault. I felt re-connected and present for maybe the first time since June. Unfortunately, that peace was short-lived but that's another post.