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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Work is Messing With Me

I work for a non-profit and have private clients. The monthly salary of the non-profit covers all of our bills. It's a decent gig when they aren't jerking me around.

Currently, they only jerk me around. B mostly wants me to suck it up to make sure we get some of the hospital bills taken care of. So a few more months.

At this point, a few more months seems like an eternity. They want me to sign a contract that they gave me an hour before they wanted it signed. I've been trying to negotiate it with them for two months now. They've met with me once. And at that meeting, they didn't even discuss the contract. Instead, they ambushed me with vague statements regarding client and staff complaints.  I can't address then because I have no idea what the complaints are our who has made them. This is both extremely inappropriate and unprofessional.

In addition, they've set deadlines for a contract to get into place. Then days before the last deadline, they extended it.  I'm currently three days away from the next deadline.

After the last attack, er meeting,  I decided to leave. Now they are asking me to come discuss the contract tomorrow. They also want me to prepare reports for them regarding my number of hours and all complaints and how they were resolved. They just told me this before I started writing today. Our meeting is tomorrow.

The other thing to keep in mind is that complaints happen all the time due to the nature of my work. I'm not working with happy people. But there are no formal complaints.  It's just people blowing off steam do it's not like we keep a list of these "complaints" anywhere. I'm absolutely not going to go through every note in every file to find these venting sessions. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do with that....

So, I keep finding myself in this position where I may not have a job in three days which is very stressful. The only way to stop it is to leave. But then, we don't have any guaranteed money. So, I'm stuck taking it. I'm trying to think of another way to make this stop. Any suggestions?

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Keeping It Together and Resources

As you can probably imagine, I'm super nervous about our new baby. This is my scary week. This is the week that our last little one stopped growing. It'll still be several weeks before I am more pregnant than I have ever been (That'll happen at 12 weeks even though my miscarriage lasted over a full month after that. 12 weeks is when we discovered our loss. So that's my milestone.). Thursday, we get to hear the heartbeat via ultrasound. Thursday is our next milestone.

So, today, I've been worried. Honestly, I've been worried since the plus sign appeared on the pregnancy test. But today more so than others. Partly because I've been lazy and on the couch almost all day today since it's the weekend and my morning sickness is in full swing.

As a proactive measure, I've been researching subsequent pregnancy after a loss support groups. I've found a few that I'll call and check on tomorrow.

But the most exciting find? Bristol Beats. A couple that experienced a stillbirth at 5 months and then a successful pregnancy now "rents" (for free) doplers for parents that had a previous loss. I will be talking to my midwife about this. I can't imagine being able to hear my baby's heartbeat any time I need some assurance.

What a nice way to remember your daughter and help others. Not only does this seem helpful for me, but it inspired me. I think we might volunteer in memory of our little one and maybe host a fundraiser for Bristol Beats.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Morning After

So, I'm pregnant.............
.......I'm thrilled....and scared out of my mind.

We're not telling anyone. Mostly because we want to avoid having to tell everyone about any loss that might happen. We're a little gun shy after last time. Of course, I've told twitter and anyone that reads this blog. I've also told my mom. B doesn't care if I tell a few people as long as he won't have to deal with them if a loss would occur.

I'm petrified that this pregnancy will end the same way as the last one. That was so hard. I'm still not sure I could handle another loss. I keep telling myself that I am stronger than I think. I think if I tell myself that enough, I will believe it.

The other thing that keeps passing through my head is "What have we done?" I mean, we are just starting to make payments for the medical expenses from our loss, and now we're going to add payments for our hopeful bundle of joy? B keeps reminding me how good we are with our budget and that this all fits into our budget. It just seems crazy to me, though.

Whatever crazy thoughts and feelings are going through my head, I'm trying to distract myself with crafts and trying to think positive. This pregnancy is different than the first. Statistics are on my side. In about eight months, I will get to hold an adorable baby - my adorable baby.

My adorable baby. I'm going to have a baby. OMG.

Eventually, I'll come to grips.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

2 Week Wait

Last month, B and I decided to ttc after our miscarriage in June/July/August. Last time, the 2ww was nothing. It breezed by and was ended by AF. This month......Well, that's a different story. AF was expected yesterday. I have no signs of her impending presence. So, tonight after work, I will pee on a stick. Unless she shows up at work.

I haven't really had an urge to check. Mostly because we have a house rule: No poas until the second day of a missed period. So, I pretty much expect AF to show up as scheduled. Now there's no AF. I'm not sure what to do. I want to take every pregnancy test in the drug store RIGHT NOW! I'm not sure I can wait until after work. I might be freaking pregnant right now. I don't know what to do with that information.

I'm so confused and nervous. I'm nervous that I am pregnant and that I am not pregnant. I feel like either outcome will be either a disappointment or full of anxiety. I know I will be excited to be pregnant, but I'm scared to death to be pregnant.

It probably doesn't help that my assistant keeps walking into my office with her pregnant belly hanging out of her shirt.

So, anyone want to take bets on if I poas before B gets home from work?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm finding it hard to still my mind during moments of high stress which seem to be more frequent lately (See My Post on Southern Values and My Frustration). As most of you know, we moved the weekend after we found out we had lost our little sweet pea.

Just after moving all the boxes into the new house, my boss called me to work for an emergency. The emergency resulted in the loss of an employee which meant I had to take over her case load. During all of this, I was in the process of my miscarriage. My miscarriage took 1 month and 1 week (1 month and 3 weeks if you include the time it took to get our negative pregnancy test.) culminating in a D&C. During this month-long miscarriage, I was in and out of work with a double case load. After the D&C, I had a week off to recover. When I returned to work, I had a week-long business trip.

Finally, I got back to the office. Work has piled up despite the amazing efforts put forth by my staff. As I'm working through the mountain of paperwork, my non-profit organization decides to restructure. Between Mt. Paperwork and the responsibilities being added to my position, I feel like I will never get caught up. I'm also applying to other positions. All of this uncertainty drives me crazy.

On top of our loss and work, we're still trying to unpack and organize our house. We really need to make our house into our home. Well, we also need the unpacking and organizing to get finished because we're having a surprise party for B's birthday.

I have intense moments of feeling overwhelmed and unable to get caught up. These moments are filled with anxiety almost to the point of panic attacks. I'm trying to remember to calm my breath as I know my mind will follow. I'm trying to still my mind through meditation and yoga. But nothing seems to be enough. I don't feel like I can do anything right or ever get caught up.

B continues to be amazing. He shares his pain from being surrounded by babies at our niece's birthday party, hugs me, holds me, and makes me laugh. He keeps encouraging me and tries to keep my spirits up. He keeps reminding me of my goals (running, crafting, etc.) and my mantras ("My actions are not determined by the actions of others." "This too shall pass.").

I feel like getting work caught up will help ease some of my anxiety. I'm trying to focus my thoughts on positives. I'm trying to think that I can get caught up. I'm planning extra work time and using my time management skills. I'm not sure it will be enough......

.....I'm hoping it's enough. It's all I've got right now.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Southern Family Values

On Friday, I was having a chat with my mom. I do this very frequently. She again mentioned that she was shocked at how rude I was to my mother-in-law a few months ago. This was very upsetting to me. I not only feel like I'm doing the best I can regarding my emotions, but also I've grown very impatient (almost intolerant) of everyone else's lack of consideration. I realized that I've found myself thinking that if someone isn't considerate to me, it's probably okay if I make them feel awkward or am less than considerate to them.

The problem with this isn't that my mom is upset by it. It's that I'm upset that I have started feeling this way. If everyone believes they have the right to be inconsiderate just because someone else wasn't nice to them, the whole world will be inconsiderate with no hope. Also, I started sounding like a spoiled brat with an entitlement complex. These realizations of course, took almost all weekend for me to grasp (with help from B, of course). We agree that my impatience is understandable, but it's also something I need to work on. Besides, I'm sure everyone has good intentions even if they are misguided.

I was raised to be a sweet, charming, southern lady. Well, my sweet and charming has been noticeably missing the last few months. It's time for me to get back to the basics and practice my good ole southern family values.

In an effort to do this, my mantra has become:  My actions are not determined by the actions of others.